2019/2021

2019

I stand outside. The glass of cheap, sticky liquor touches my lips and my stomach flips as the liquid goes down my throat. I’m already dizzy, but not dizzy enough. My body feels hot, and my mind feels foggy. I drink some more. I think about the fact that I’m not really thinking about anything at all, and it makes me smile.

Sometimes I wonder what it is that makes me crave the feeling of nothing.

2021

I sit and watch as my friends share drunken giggles from across the room. I watch partly with joy because their intoxicated happiness exudes from them with such strength. Mostly, though, I watch with envy. I’m envious of the warmth in their bodies and the feelings they’re all experiencing together.

I eat an edible so that I’m no longer sober, either. My high allows for some release, but mostly it separates me even more from the others in the room. I don’t feel the goofy delight that is lingering all around them; I feel introspective, quiet, and alone.